Acol at BBO - Chuckle Corner

An Acol Club member and friend were musing over the definitions of BBO skill levels the other day.
They came up with a few of their own - set out below.

Novice

Never played before.

A world class player who thinks it's terribly funny and a bit sort of post modern and ironic to say he's a novice while entirely missing the point that everyone else thinks he's a tosser for doing it.

Intermediate

Able to sort hand into suits

Can play a little but hasn't a clue what the last trick or the bidding or signals or the scoring or anything actually means. It's all just click, click, click, click and onto the next fiasco, none the wiser.

Advanced

Can count to 13.

Successfully declared a slam hand once when (he knows not why) everyone else went one off - and now he thinks bridge is such an easy game and he's so good at it that he MUST be advanced really particularly when you take into account the fact that his uncle-in-law's daughter's second cousin once had a trial for Middlesex.

Expert

Knows when to trump (but preferably not partner's winner).

He's quite good at bidding with a partner he's played with for 43 years and they have an understanding and he always ends up 3 IMPs ahead after 67 boards and thinks he has never played the wrong card and is able to see where everyone went wrong (except himself of course) and whose dreary post-mortems always begin with the words "if only you'd played the 8 of hearts at trick three partner, they'd have gone at least 4 off".

World Class

Has read at least 2 books by Terence Reese.

He once, when kibbing Lauria and Versace, predicted that Versace would switch to a heart and Versace did switch to a heart albeit 6 tricks later and so, he thinks what Versace thinks and so he must be, like, world class now eh?

He's a novice who thinks it's terribly funny and a bit sort of post modern and ironic to say he's world class, while entirely missing the point that everyone else thinks he's a tosser for doing it.